What’s next?

The question I ask myself every single day. That’s what I always ask myself while I am on my getting ready to sleep. There are a few instances where the question hits me harder than usual. I can recall three separate events where it left an impact till this very day.

2013. By far the most memorable year of my life. Be it the good and the bad, the sweet and the bitter, all that happened this year was extremely hard to forget. I’ve met some really wonderful people but sadly none of them are a part of my life. It’s a shame how things turned out actually. This was also the year I lost my best friend. So then it comes back to me one night, what’s next? It was a year full of knowledge and experience but to sum it all up, it was a soul bond that backfired.

2015. This was the year my life defied all odds, this was the year where I rewrote my own fate. I wouldn’t want to talk about the year if anybody asked me. Actually I did not get a chance to ask “what’s next?”, it just flipped to the next page of the book automatically. To sum it up, I should’ve died in 2015.

2018. Have you ever felt that you do not deserve anything? Especially after all the mistakes you made in your youth? That’s exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I am blessed with a wonderful & beautiful partner, a friend that I could rely on and a family that always have my back. It seems too good to be true though, like whatever that is happening seems like a dream. So, what’s next? I intend to close all the books I did not get to close, to find closure basically.

I believe that if one is not at ease, the negative energy will find its way to another person that is in the same shoes as you. In this world, you are never going through your problems alone.

Forgetting your roots.

It came to my mind lately, and i thought about it pretty hard.

“Why do people forget about their old friends whenever they meet a new circle?”

It’s actually pretty straight forward and actually it is quite clear. Let’s get to the chase immediately. We’ve all heard, if you listen often of the phrase

“The people you mix with determines the type of person you are”

We all have a sense of security, a sense of belonging to someone and somewhere. Most importantly, we value how others think about us, how we are perceived. Imagine one day you are the best of best friends with this person. Then suddenly, you experience a conflict of interest, you experience that the both of you no longer think the same.

That is exactly what causes friendship to sink and people to change. You felt like the topic you often shared together turned into a heated debate session, something that the both of you could not agree with or even come to a conclusion.

Let’s take an example : Advise to a friend

It’s frustrating enough that one could not render the assistance and advise to the person you care about. It’s exhausting enough for YOU to open yourself and expose yourself to advise that person and be at their level. Most of all, it hurts when you gave your best to help, but that person doesn’t seem to treasure your efforts.

We expect something in return, all the time. It’s the wheel of life that nothing in this world is free. The least we expect from someone whenever we give those words is for them to be there for us when we need it.

I admit it and in fact the most of us admit it, when we need someone to talk to, we indirectly try to tell them that we need them because we aren’t brave enough to say it. It is unfair isn’t it? We can sense that someone is in need, in need of a presence of a friend but when it comes to our time, nobody tends to notice.

Once this carries on for quite some time, and by that it could take years, the person will slowly walk away. Why do you have to mix with them? Was it because they have what you don’t? It’s quite sad that there are many of these people who are treated the same way.

It’s you who are the thorns of life. You couldn’t appreciate them when they tried to help, why should they remain silent and patient when they needed your help?

They didn’t walk away because they couldn’t remember your acts of kindness. They walked away because you couldn’t treasure the past and present. They walked away because you are toxic that is present, the toxic that is destroying the friendship.

Humans don’t forget their roots, forget the friends that has been there all this while because they are better off now or more successful. They left because you neglected them.

The failures you have experienced and shown proves that you are incapable of treasuring the most important of them all, your “true friends”.

Don’t be surprised if you noticed that people are leaving, one by one. A good look at the mirror is the quickest way for an answer.

Instincts : A Losing Battle

We’ve all lost someone. Be it a best friend, a family member or even a stranger that was once your ride or die. Going through the emotional breakdown can be intense. It is not easy once it happens.

“You tell yourself that you will be fine. You remind yourself that you will be okay but at the end of the day, it’s your own head that you’re playing with”.

Truth be told, it is not easy.

“Why is it so difficult?”, one may ask. It’s actually simple, because nobody understands you. You can share all the nightmares, you can tell all the horrors but at the end of the day, those who aren’t in your shoes will not understand what it feels like to be you.

It is fine if you lose someone and the story ends there. What makes everything even more scarier is the fact that you will go through it again and again. Maybe you will feel it together with your significant other, maybe not. That sharp sensation that your heart string gives you as if your heart itself could predict what is coming. The instinct that travels to your brain, giving you shivers and goosebumps.

“You want to believe that it is all a lie, you want to believe it is not real but you know your instincts are never wrong.” 

Do you know how heavy it feels? Do you know how heavy your lungs feel when it is collapsing? That is exactly what i am going through right now.

I wished there was someone i could talk with at the moment, someone who is going through the same thing as me. I know those who are experiencing the same thing are probably those who listens a lot and the one friend that is always giving advice. It is a difficult scene, we are almost invisible at the time of need. “It is as if we never existed, it is as if we are all transparent.”  

The most powerful feeling isn’t love. It is your own instinct. We know how accurate it can be, being able to predict what comes after and also instantly making us doubt ourselves.

“It could be our best friend, being able to prevent us from making irrational decisions but at the same time it could also be the weapon that destroys us.”